I am emerging (again) the chrysalis never quite opens my animal system is flawed I watch the tide come in then pull out I take a breath I count pills I tap my collarbone while driving over the bridge I take a breath I shoot my arms out in front of me I create a space around myself with my arms I have panic attacks I listen to rain I listen to whale song I listen to Mozart I watch the tide come in then go out I tap my collarbone I read I walk the perimeter of my land I walk up the hill and down I watch the tide come in fast and flood then rush away with a lion roar I watch stupid television I watch the tide if you tell me to breathe I will laser your heart with my eyeballs because my animal is flawed all systems are flawed
I chopped off my braid I had a panic attack in my mirror then I drove to the city to get my hair cut by a professional woman who knew what she was doing she talked so quickly and nonstop about her children that I didn’t have to say a word and I fell in love with her it was my first haircut in two years it was my first time inside without wearing a mask in three years I have never had Covid or the flu but I’m still bipolar 1 though I haven’t had a manic swing in three years not since my dognurse psychiatrist dropped me and I no longer had to drive to the city every month to see her which gave me panic attacks so intense that she started taking my blood pressure when I finally arrived which gave me panic attacks because I knew I had to drive home again without fainting on the freeway because syncope is real
she said we don’t call it crazy and I said you will though after I leave and she almost smiled and her dog farted and settled back into his cushions
I drove to the Punjab market in another city and bought jewel colored spices and spicy fresh samosas and tamarind date chutney made by the grocer or his wife or his mother his four year old son sat behind the counter and I fell in love with them I have been eating hot fragrant curry ever since curry in eggs curry on rice curry in chickpeas curry in soup
My system is flawed all systems are flawed
Children just up and die for no reason I never believed it until my son’s girlfriend went to bed and left life itself is a flawed system
get over it Rebecca
just breathe
It might seem like I’ve been busy but these are the only two places I’ve gone in three years other than the grocery store for necessities and the water’s edge because my sad meat sack is flawed O lovely weird animal your panicky gills and shorn hair
I am hideously lonely I miss my orchestra I miss my students I miss the writers I rarely saw when I lived in the city but mostly I miss my four close women friends I lost one to drugs and one to alcohol and one to Jesus and the other to the orange ex president I only ever had four friends women that stuck with me through men and jobs and babies and floods and all deaths all manner of hells and heavens and now they are gone and I never got over it
get over it Rebecca
just go out there and socialize Rebecca
just breathe
Good Sunday morning from the earth’s edge where the trees are brilliant green and the tide still comes in and goes out
So much truth in your title. I have a bunch of people that need their hearts lasered by your eyeballs, is there a waiting list I can get on? Sending love to you and your fur babies.
Xoxo
Barbara
So good to hear your voice like water here the invincible was of tide. I wish I lived nearby. Sophie and I would be your friends.